he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize