i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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