someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
