I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
