Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
