dude i'm inner monologue high
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
