I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
