Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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