The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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