Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
