just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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