he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize