Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
