my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
