I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
