Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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