Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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