I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My Sexting was not on an AP level
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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