Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize