even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
