Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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