the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
