Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
