....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
