I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
All I want is dick and wine.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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