Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
