I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
