i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize