Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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