I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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