forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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