It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
