I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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