Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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