I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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