We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
