3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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