I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
