i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
