Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
