before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
