If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
