I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
