what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize