my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
