Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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