My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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