i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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