Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
