PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize