Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I checked into jail on foursquare
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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