Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
