shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
