I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
