Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
