So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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