I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
