I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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