one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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